I have decided to write this letter to you in order to, first of all, tell you how much I love you. Thank you for being my wonderful parents that you are! Thank you for giving me a lovely home, a beautiful room, my computer, all the toys, computer games and everything that I could ever wish for. You provide me with every comfort under the sun, you take me to school, you make sure that I do my homework, you prepare wonderful meals for me, wake me up in the morning and make my breakfast. You arrange all my after-school activities and extra lessons. You want me to enjoy my school and have good friends, and most of all, to have good exam results and reports from my teachers. You do and want so much for me ..... and I am very grateful for it.
But at the same time ..... what you want from me and how you express it sometimes feels overwhelming. In your eagerness to make me fit into a daily routine and school system you make all the decisions for me and expect me to follow them without any murmur. You get quickly angry and annoyed with me if I try to tell you what I want and what I want to do. As a matter of fact, it's not always very easy for me to tell you what I want, because you often dismiss what I have to say, or just quickly say 'no' without even trying to find out my 'side of the story'. What you want and find important takes complete precedence over what I feel and want! It seems that you don't realise that it leaves me boiling with anger on the inside! And at the same time it makes me feel helpless and unimportant in your eyes. As if I don't exist, because you know better what's best for me. I feel that I can't get through to you..... All you care about is what the teachers tell you about me and if I meet all their criteria....
I know that I sometimes behave in a way that rubs you the wrong way and makes you exasperated. But, at times, it's my way of telling you : 'Listen to me', 'Pay attention to me', 'Get to know me better' 'Find out who I really am', 'Understand me', 'Love me the way I am, not the way you want me to be', 'LOVE ME' !!!!!' And that's all I ask of you, to understand me better and accept who I am and what I am right now. Is it too much to ask?
You probably don't realise how painful and difficult it is for me to go school. I find it really difficult to concentrate when I see lots of colourful pictures on the wall. The shapes start to dance before my eyes and I quickly loose concentration. Also when I hear the sharp voice of my teacher it makes me feel so frightened that I freeze and can't answer any questions. Did you know that I hear the slightest noise around me and that makes me feel so uncomfortable and irritable that I stop listening and paying attention to the teacher. I don't seem to be able to get away from it!
You probably have noticed how my clothes irritate me when they touch my skin. It feels almost unbearable. I am constantly trying to find a comfortable position, a moment when I can relax in my own skin, but that moment is rarely there! That's also what makes me angry and aggressive.Because of all that my friends pick on me and tease me. That makes me mad. And then I get all the comments and remarks from teachers that I am disruptive, rude and no good at learning. The teachers never tell me what I can do well and what I am good at, but only what I am failing at! Surely I can't be all that bad! Or can I? I want to do well and I want you to be proud of me but I don't know how to. Sometimes I don't know what to do any more. I feel such a failure......
I don't want to worry you, I only wish that you could spend more time listening to me and trying to understand me more.... I hope it's not too much to ask.
Your loving son.
